Since some 2 months I’ve been watching weekly Twin Flame Tarot readings. I find they are really helpful and insightful, and always spot on.
I just watched this week’s reading again, because when I first saw it it didn’t resonate with me at all. For the first time. Now it does resonate. I’m in a different place now than I was a few days ago. I was quite stable, loving etc. now I’m questioning the whole thing again.
The number of times I have thought of ending it, unreal. I never thought I’d get to that place with him, clearly I was wrong.
I was trying to get clear whether or not my boundaries were being crossed. That happened too often in the past and I don’t want that again. Ever. Problem is that because it happened so often, most of my life really, I find it incredibly hard to define when they are being trampled on or if I’m just thinking they are.
What I realized after watching the weekly TF reading is that it is my ego. My ego is screaming and is scared. Scared that this relationship will go the way it went in the past. That he is treating me the way my narcissistic ex was treating me. Then I have to use common sense -after I’ve calmed myself- to clearly see what is really going on. And then decide it’s okay. As I type this, my panicking ego still doesn’t agree.
Nothing I can do right now can or will improve anything, if nothing else it will likely force a breakup. Somehow my ego thinks that could be best, because then at least it won’t get hurt. And my boundaries won’t get broken. But that in itself is a sign that I do not trust myself to take care of my boundaries when the time calls for it which is not now. I feel like forcing things because I want to know now. I need to know now. Have clarity now. It’s my hurt ego who wants and needs that.
A very unempowered place to be at, it stems from a deep inner fear, not from inner stability. And it’s not a place of the empowered feminine which can go with the flow and trust.
This is really so hard. Every time I think I’ve reached inner stability and security, I find out that yes, it is there at times, more often than ever before. It is growing, the duration of it too. But it’s not rock solid yet. I still wobble. I still doubt and question things and then end up being afraid.
If things between him and me would continue the way they are now, I am not going to be happy. It’s not what I want. I know that. But right now it is okay. For the simple reason that I need this time to manifest my own things, to have these old fears and wounds come up so I can heal them.
Do I like it? Not so much. It would be much easier and thus nicer to have him come running to me all the time, wanting to be with me, and doing all he can to make that happen.
Would that make me happy in the long run? I think not, because it would be too co-dependent and smothering. I don’t want a man like that. Right now it would sooth me, would reassure my scared ego. But that’s not what I need. I need to sooth my ego myself. Get rid of all these frigging doubts and fears.
If then he comes running to me, I can receive him from a place of empowerment.
It really doesn’t make sense how the ego or psyche works? In a way I am content with not seeing him very often right now. At the same time my wounded ego gets pissed off with him for not missing me and trying to be with me.
I’ll get there, I don’t doubt that for a second. Then hopefully this roller-coaster ride will become a nice boat trip. I don’t like roller-coasters. And when on a boat trip you got time to take in the scenery. It would allow me to relax, dip my hand in the water and feel the water flow around my hand, soft and caressing, the sun warming my skin, a gentle breeze through my hair.
How I’d love that!